I started sharing a more vulnerable practice this week and you can check that out in the video above. What I wanted to share in writing were my reflections making it through my first Holy Week without Him. I am writing this on Easter Sunday. It was tough getting out of bed. I don't know what I thought I'd see when I visited - a hole in the ground, Ashton Kutcher jumping from behind a headstone shouting we've been Punk'd..so no, it wasn't easy to convince myself today was going to give me a reason to participate in the Celebration.
Thankfully, my Teachers were all on board to help. One friend sent me the link to join her noon mass, I listened to hymns as I feel back asleep. I watched an IGTV from a new teacher and read stories of reflection on this day. Mary Magdalene's Presence is agreed upon on Easter so she was also everywhere I looked - just seeing her recognized gave me strength. It was a meme of a gay Jesus that finally got me moving towards the Sun. He called Judas "hot" and Mary Magdalene asked, "so really what are we?" I laughed and felt my confusion as an answer. No, I could not know her Mystery until now, living a Myth has a timing and I must trust and honor it.
I made my Matcha to go and packed a bag with everything I thought I'd need but really, where else might I go? We are living in a dystopian world that reflects most poignantly the uncertainty. I drove west toward home, the center of my world, downtown Columbus, a city I spent my youth trying to run from, the very city I feel myself rushing back towards after a long time away and I drove right to the heart of my pain, to our front door but I didn't dare stop and feel it fully. I did note a personal recycling bin that brought me much joy. Then I drove aimlessly for a bit. Why does a graveyard have to be a place I go to connect with him anyway? But as I said before, where else was there to go? I drove towards the Short North but that gave me another twinge of sadness for my restaurant family, so I drove south again and ended up at his resting place. I surprised myself as I actually got lost trying to find it today. I grabbed my bag and his jacket as if I was going to spend a long time there - I never do. Today was no different. I felt the feeling of being there, I felt the feeling of that day we gathered to say farewell to him. I felt it in my heart again - I miss him, I miss us, I miss our life, I miss his family, I miss our friends.
I get back in the car. I drive a bit aimlessly again finally ending up at the park. I saw a corgi, a miniature schnauzer, and one of those red headed poodles my sister and I once saved in Bexley. I walked past our favorite bar praying I would see a familiar face but again I walked quickly and didn't give myself a chance to fully feel. At home for Easter dinner, I asserted that I do have boundaries and it was made aware that is new to my family. I continue to pray for Grace as I maneuver who I am with the perceptions others have created and I ask for Compassion and Mercy as I walk in my Truth in the world. I was grateful when my mom and sister brought up a memory of Zach and me being Spelling Bee champions. I did not recall this fact, I barely remembered young 13 year old MK winning that Spelling Bee let alone did I remember my partner had also achieved such greatness. But my sister was sure as she remembered once challenging us to a spelling match which ended because she could no longer pronounce the words. The memory lifted my Spirits but the truth of the day was I really needed to be alone - in Purposeful, Meditative Reflection.
I ask myself now - what do I do with these Revelations? The truth of the Embodiment, the myth, the reality. How do I honor this story, honor the human who lived in order to get us here, honor the others who have shown up, those who continue to show up, and those who are waiting to show up? For now, I will continue sharing the unfolding of my life in reflection to this Beautiful Myth. Today I will leave you with this story that has come up often since he passed. The year is 2004 and I am 14 years old. I am sitting in my high school geometry class, one of the youngest in the room. I sat on the wall near the chalkboard and across the room near the windows was a boisterous football player who had somehow fallen asleep at school (*GASP* I know!). Now 14 year old me would have never known this boy fell asleep if it weren't for the teacher stopping the class to point it out. The judgmental fury of my 14 year old self roars, "How dare she give this a moment of notice?" Well, she woke him with a wet willy and he ended up being the center of the whole classes attention. Again, young Mary Kate was not one of those who found this behavior amusing or worthy of attention. Well, one of my favorite ways to heal my emotional self, is to take my current self to those moments in the past. I offer you this image now: an entire class of teenagers laughing and joking about something 14 year old MK sat in judgmental fury for and in walks the Spirit of 29 year old Mary. She walks over to Mary Kate and offers with a gentle laugh, "What if I told you that's the one we find our Higher Self in?" I see her confusion, I see her disgust and I see a flicker of wonder and curiosity.
Happy Easter, Beloveds. Sending Compassion from my Heart to yours. Take care <3
(cover photo from Henry & Co via unsplash.com)